Hello everybody!

First of all, congratulations to myself, because I’m making history here. I decided to write my blog in both English and Hungarian, because I want to be cheered on and praised all over the world.

Because I'm THAT good.

Dear Newcomer! I am really sarcastic and slightly offensive for the giggles. To quote a true classic:

"It's a joke, not a dick, so don't take it hard."

A couple of days ago Nadya, Nana and Stasy decided to go to Hangzhou because why not, I suppose. Anyway, it was overwhelmingly nice of them that they didn't invite me. Thanks for nothing.

So they were gone, but Alex, Gulechka, Wanzhu and I weren't. At first, it was meant to be a guys night with Alex. We planned to ride our longboards in the night and play videogames in a gaming club after that. However, it was called off pretty quickly, since Alex has a special kind of burden weighing him down called

a girlfriend...

So yeah, basically Gulechka wanted to spend time with him. What the hell, spending time together like a normal couple? What's next? Developing mutual respect and taking responsibility, planning for the future, getting married, having a beautiful family, baking pancakes in the morning and growing old together in a peaceful and quiet suburb?! Is that really where you're gonna take this?!

Disgusting.

Anyway, I wasn't really disappointed because we are seriously bad at online gaming. We just don't play together anymore. Other gamers have been getting better and better and we just... you know...suck. We suck so much that we should be those people who make the guys' penises erect before shooting porn. You know, the fluffers. Whatever, he called it off and I was thinking about how to waste my Tuesday afternoon. I was rather indecisive because I was wondering:

Should I do something productive or should I be a piece of shit like always?

If you picked the latter, you guessed right. I turned the VPN on and at the next moment I was already checking out the possibilities on Pornhub. It took a couple of minutes to find out which midget is the most sexually appealing and when I did manage to figure it out, Alex called me on the damn phone. Like

Okay, bruv, you're ruining my life.

A lesson for everyone: next time you call me on my phone, be considerate and think about what I MIGHT be doing. Chances are that I am thinking about my purpose in life. Or thinking about brand new Leopard 2A7 main battle tanks.

I mean seriously, have you seen any of those? They're sexy as fuck!

Or masturbating. Or sobbing. Or the infinite permutations and variations of all of the above mentioned activities. Accordingly, I could

sob, or

think about my purpose in life AND sob, or

think about brand new Leopard 2A7 tanks AND masturbate AND THEN sob.

Here's a graph showing the process.

Alex's call couldn't prevent the 'pathetic sobbing' part, though. Nothing can stop the sobbing. Here's the graph that serves as an example.

I can assure you that I am an absolutely successful and confident person with zero insecurities about himself. And that is because... my mom thinks I'm handsome, okay?!

And believe me, my mom's not the only one. So does yours.

Now that everyone has a clear view on how miserable my life is, I can finally move on with the story. The reason why Alex called was to surprise Wanzhu at her place. To go talk a little bit and drink. You know... like normal people. We bought her a cup of coffee as to not show up empty handed. When we arrived we made a lot of noise on purpose because there wasn't any bell to ring. And when she opened the door she looked quite shocked. It was an overwhelmingly astonishing scene to look at. Her face. Her tiny body. Her fragile arms dangling at her side. Her reaction was so delicate. So romantic. So sincere.

"Guys, what the fuck?"

We hugged and came in without asking any questions. Honestly, I didn't really think Wanzhu was happy about our surprise. If I look at it from my earlier perspective, she might have been about to give herself the good ol' shicky-shicky down there and we might have ruined it, just like Alex ruined mine. She told us that she wanted to paint or something but I'm not buying that horse shit.

"Fuuuck off guys, I wanted to touch myself!" could have thought Wanzhu. Considering that people are different, Wanzhu may not have the sobbing part. Or the other way around.

Without knowing it, Alex was a true orgasm blocker that day. I might be wrong of course, but who knows. I choose to believe that I am not the only person in this world with excessive masturbation problems.

Right?

Compared to what happened later that night, our conversation at Wanzhu's place was pretty lame and boring, so I'm not going to give a detailed version about it. No need to brag about the fact that some of us have imaginary friends. Masturbating to midget porn is one thing but having a convo about how we hallucinate about stuff is kinda mental, even for me.

You're probably realizing that we're weird. To be frank, I cannot blame you at all. Or more accurately, to be Andor, because I'm not Frank. Heh... heh... hh...

So let's get to the story. We took the e-bikes and went to a students bar called Helen's. It was pretty neat inside and nobody was around. The cocktails were cheap and we got six bottles of beer for free because that was our first time there.

Excellent service, a solid 5/7.

I realized I had nothing to eat that day. Although I'm not a broke uni student anymore, I was pretty excited about that, because in fact, less food means a cheaper night and more fun. We played a card game that was basically about your speed and reaction time. It was simple, and fun nonetheless. Gulechka and I were drinking See You Tomorrows, Alex went with a vodka redbull bucket and Wanzhu drank a Mojito. In addition, we were munching on cucumbers dipped in soy sauce.

Which is the best thing ever.

The night had a very interesting twist in it. I still have no idea how it came down to this but we had a convo about a topic that definitely never kills the party mood. I mean, why would it? It was rather easy to chew.

We talked about DEATH. Because what the fuck could go wrong with that?!

And boy, oh boy, the best was yet to come. We didn't just talk about death itself, it was about the death of our beloved ones. Friends', parents', grandparents' death. You know...easy stuff. Gulechka cried for a long time. Alex teared up a little but Wanzhu and I were indifferent to it. Watching them made me feel heartless. Cold. Insensitive.

We forced ourselves to change the topic and it seemed that the deep talk and the long crying session loosened something up in Gulechka's personality. She was truly happy. And drunk as hell, of course because she was having her third cocktail in one hour. Cocktails fuck up even the most party-hardened. Those things helped her do some unusual things. Things that would be unusual for a drunkard, not to mention how unusual it was for her.

What do you do when you're drunk? Maybe you get a little bit sensitive about things. You get offended a little bit easier. You probably raise your voice. You might say something that you regret. Well, Gulechka is not your regular kinda drunk. Out of fucking nowhere, she took her shoes off and threw one of them towards the next table which was occupied by a bunch of young people. I can imagine them having a convo and then somebody goes like

"Heads up, boys, shoes incomin'!"

She wanted to drink more, she was out of control. Alex wanted to prevent additional atrocities (with flying shoes for example), so he told her to stop. It was rather interesting to see Alex being the responsible one in the group, though. Gulechka was quite fiery, and she insisted on ordering more. She was so determined, that she smashed her empty glass against the table and of course, it broke into pieces. Nobody got hurt so I couldn't care less. We were discussing something with Wanzhu when Gulechka thought that it would be funny if she poured some beer on us.

She couldn't give us a reasonable answer when we asked her why she did it.

"I don't know...  I felt like doing it," she said.

But nobody got hurt so we were laughing. It was nice to see her acting this stupid. I was pretty drunk myself. I wanted to drink something softer because I know my limits pretty darn well.

I decided to order a Mojito myself. Gulechka might have been a little bit jello to see that I was allowed to drink more and she wasn't. She took my Mojito without saying a word. I felt bad for not stopping her, since Alex was working hard on preventing those things to happen.

And secondly that was MY Mojito! People get killed for less!

But seriously what could I have done? Hit her? Say no?

All I did was look at her drinking my Mojito. It was strange, because she took quite a huge sip. I was worried about her. That's gonna make her black out, I thought. But as I mentioned, Gulechka is not your regular kinda drunk. Because she looked up and out of nowhere she fucking spat it all over my face.

I was shocked but then I burst out laughing. My face, my t-shirt, my glasses were all covered in shit. I was laughing and shouting, "What the fuck was that?!" Seriously, who the hell does that?!

She did other things as well but I am not going to share it, simply because I think she would get frustrated if I did. But it was amazing. I didn't mind it at all. Everybody was drunk, hence honest. Laughing loud, having a blast.

So to appeal for those Game of Thrones fans, that's how Gulechka became The Mojito Dragon.

MOHARIS.

As Alex expected, Gulechka got even more drunk so we decided to catch a taxi and continue the night at their place. She went sleeping and we started drinking random stuff from the fridge. At around 4 am we went to sleep as well.

One of the best nights ever. Thank y'all.

Sincerely Yours,

Andrey Taryenkov,

Drinker of beers,

Master of self-depreciation